Private Dicks Withdraw

No longer will we be able to sleep with hookers at taxpayer's cost. Sam Bowring laments.

Ah, brothels. Those much maligned yet vital cornerstones of the community. Those noble enterprises which boldly operate in the face of public outcry and recrimination. What slings and arrows of outrageous fortune will they be forced to suffer next? Read on, my concerned friend.

Ku-ring-gai local government may become the first to gain new powers where illegal brothels are concerned. Soon they will be able to cut off gas, electricity and water to such premises, with only circumstantial evidence. Previously councils had to procure hard evidence, which involves methods that I have only JUST found out about, and which someone SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME A LOT SOONER!

Get this: up until now councils had to pay private detectives thousands of dollars to have sex in suspected illegal brothels. That's right – dudes being given taxpayers money to infiltrate(!) brothels in the most literal way possible. Talk about hard evidence! Which brings me to my point:

WHY DIDN'T I KNOW YOU COULD HAVE A JOB LIKE THAT? That sounds like the best job ever! Just imagine it!

Detective: Well I'm off to work honey.
Wife: Have a good day dear.
Detective: Oh, I will.

Certainly it wouldn’t be a profession for which I'd have trouble getting up, or punching in. Yet did I ever hear about it as an option? Did the career councilor at school ever ask me my name, goals, star sign and then proceed to inform me I'd be great as an undercover whore tester? No! I should sue for malpractice! Did I ever load up seek.com and discover positions being advertised for taking various positions? No! "Seek and you shall find" indeed!

And now that I do finally find out about it, it looks like the glory days are coming to an end. Oh yes, I know, it's only Ku-ring-gai council so far. "Where even IS this Ku-Ring-Gai place?" you might ask. "Sounds like some unimportant backwater full of tics and swampland." Well don't be fooled! These kinds of laws have a snowball effect – as in, if you make a good snowball, you'll throw it on to the next guy so he has a chance to hold it too. Or something like that. My point is, soon this law will be riddled throughout all of Australia, like some kind of virulent STD!

It feels like finding out what the winning lottery numbers were yesterday.

Oh sure, there will still be legal brothels, but where's the fun in that? Personally, when I walk into a brothel, I want to feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I'm sure you're the same.

- Sam Bowring