Hostel reaction to backpacking

Sensing a whiff of intrigue or something equally pungent, Dave Jory mops the floor with his take on budget travel.

Do hostels make backpackers dirty, or do backpackers make hostels dirty? I don't know. But I do know I wouldn't want to spend a night inside either one of them.

Hostels only seem to attract the type of traveller who doesn't believe a 24-hour economy class bus ride warrants a shower afterwards. And I don't know why, but every backpacker and every hostel all over the world somehow manages to smell exactly the same. Awful. Where does it say you have to absolutely reek in order to fully appreciate another culture? I showered before I visited the Leaning Tower of Pisa and my photos came out just fine.

I've experienced a few hostels in my time and I'm glad to have finally reached a point in my life where I can say: never again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking the hostel experience all together. Hostels are wonderful places to go if you want to know what mouth herpes from another country tastes like.

But I strongly suspect it must be hostel policy, worldwide, to mop the floors with buckets of stale perspiration squeezed out of backpackers' unwashed t-shirts. When even the lobby of a building smells like B.O., I'd say you've got yourself a major hygiene problem.

So if you're working at your local burger joint, saving all your money for that big overseas trip - let me give you a word of advice. Save a little more money. Sell a few more burgers. Don't go on your trip until you're sure you can afford your own hotel room with a private bathroom. You'll thank me one day with your herpes-free mouth.

Rating: Two unwashed sheets out of ten